The Confused -- prologue and first five posts
by Jicklet
Summary: Esvann 945 gets accepted by the free Hork-Bajir, Alloran gets infested by Sub-Visser 51, and they both hear the same old story of war. Plus a pointless rant on Gedds.


Disclaimer: I got the idea for Esvann to go to the Hork-Bajir valley from   
Ruby's fic "The Secret", but here it's very different. Any anti-violence  
veterans and any mothers killed by not receiving help, they belong to  
Magda Szabo. She's a Hungarian author of both adults' and children's books  
(for example, The Door; The Fawn; Tell Sally).  
  
  
  
*   
  
  
  
PROLOGUE  
  
My name is Cassie.  
  
I must tell you about a Yeerk who we're all trying to forget. Someone so  
evil that his one attempt at being good has cost him his life.  
  
And I must tell you about an old wreck of a warrior, who's seen it all, done  
it almost, but never quite, all. And about his captor, who was so lost in  
searching for his dream that he even forgot to be cruel.   
  
And about a proud young girl, who was once protected by her two worst  
enemies, so that she could protect her people in turn. About her mother,  
who can't understand spacecraft and weapons, only the more important  
things. And about her husband, who always knows that everything will turn  
out all right, and who also does a lot for that.  
  
And I must also tell you about his niece: a young widow, who wouldn't  
accept losing a second person. And about her parents, who are trusting and  
strong at once.  
  
And about a little girl, who trusts everyone, and that's why she'll  
always be right, too. About her father, who is as gentle as if it were  
peace -- and who knows, maybe he really makes a bit of peace this way. And  
about his wife, who must drag these two idealists through the war -- and  
there's nothing she would rather do.   
  
And then I must tell you about three old people, who were all through war  
in one way or another. It's because of this that one of them helps even  
harmful people, and that the other one hates nothing but hate itself. And  
it's because of -- or rather, in spite of -- this that the oldest one  
still believes in goodness.  
  
You must hear about all of these people. Sometimes a few of them will  
tell their stories themselves, and sometimes I'll have to try to do  
it. Because it must be told, the story of this horrible weekend.  
  
Today, Monday morning, the Yeerk who called himself Esvann is dead.  
  
The others have survived without new scars. And now I'm sure that if they  
ever have to face a problem again, they will be able to solve it the same  
way.   
  
  
  
*   
  
  
  
It all started on a pretty pointless mission. We didn't even have a proper  
plan. I was just supposed to go down to the Yeerk pool, pass myself off as a  
Controller and try to ask some questions. Of course, Erek was doing that all  
the time. But this was different. Because Karen, a famous, important host,  
had let me acquire her.  
  
And now I was going down the stairs, with five roaches in my hand and an  
oversized hood over my head. Nobody paid much attention to me. Once we were  
in the pool complex, I went to the bathrooms and waited for the others to  
change morphs. They'd stay hidden until...I mean, unless I called for help.  
  
Well, good luck, Cassie.  
  
Thanks, I'll need it. But don't worry.  
  
I started on my way out, towards the voluntary hosts. We'd agreed on what  
I'd tell them: it was very hard to keep this cover as a little girl, so I  
could only talk between two feedings, otherwise I'd be away for too long  
at once. We hoped that with this story, I could avoid infestation. I  
looked around and pulled back my hood.  
  
"Hello, my name is Fapass 986..."  
  
"Karen!" one of the voluntaries shrieked.  
  
"Yes, my host, but..."  
  
But by now, everyone was yelling about me. A Hork-Bajir-Controller came  
rushing...  
  
Jake! Rachel!  
  
Coming!  
  
I was knocked into the pool. Okay. I was smaller, weaker than I was used to  
being, but I could still climb out. I gripped the edge and I was getting  
ready to lift one knee up when I looked at the Hork-Bajir. They were standing  
very still. Two hands lifted in the air. One hand tapping on the other, their  
feet tapping on the ground. And then, they were shouting.  
  
Two guards ran to me and pushed me back into the sludge. One of them kept me  
down, the other held my head. My face was above the surface, but my ears were  
underwater. I felt the Yeerk enter. But by then, my friends had arrived. A  
tiger, two Andalites and two Hork-Bajir.  
  
We're here, Cassie! And we'll starve that slug out of you yet.  
  
Rachel and Marco pushed my guards over, lifted me out, ran to the stairs and  
carried me up to safety. The Yeerk kept my eyes closed all the while. Jake,  
Tobias and Ax kept the crowd from following us, then they went up as well.  
For some reason, the Controllers let that be. It seemed that there was  
something else bothering them, even after we were gone.  
  
Don't worry, we know you're a Controller, Jake said reassuringly, while  
we were demorphing in a dark corner of the schoolyard. Even I was growing,  
my figure filling out, my hair and skin darkening. "We'll free you, the  
same way I've been freed."  
  
"Um, Jake?" my deepening voice asked. "I see what you did with that Temrash  
guy, but I'm not like him at all. I'm Esvann 945, and I really don't want to  
hurt you."  
  
"Yeah, we should believe that, Yeerk." Rachel.  
  
"Look, I don't know how to prove it to you. All I want is to stay alive.  
And, preferably, have eyes."  
  
"You'll have enough time to explain." Jake. Then he made the  
arrangements.  
  
Marco flew for the Chee. Ax wouldn't need to sub me this time. Instead,  
he was holding his blade to my throat as Jake and Rachel led me to the  
little hut in the forest. Tobias was giving directions from  
overhead. Esvann knew what they were doing, but she didn't resist, she  
just went on about not having "any power plans or anything".  
  
Are you from the peace movement? I asked.  
  
"Cassie asks if I'm a peacer. Well, I had a host, if that's what you mean. A  
human host, and yes, an involuntary. Cassie's pretty shocked at that, but  
look here, let me tell you."  
  
I want to know, at least, I told her. Of course, she was probably  
lying, but why not a better lie?   
  
"Okay," Esvann said. "I had a host, but I gave him as much freedom as I  
could. Of course, I had to obey Taylor's orders -- she's our sub-visser here  
-- and feed every three days, and keep quiet about the invasion. It was a  
matter of life and death for me. But otherwise, I never took control, I just  
enjoyed the view. And of course, I left his thoughts alone."  
  
You just wanted to stay alive?! Why didn't you give your host up, then?!  
  
Esvann relayed my question, then answered it. "He'd probably have been  
reinfested, anyway. And the peace movement is illegal, I'd have ended up  
risking my life again. But it's not just that." She sighed and   
continued. "I didn't want to go back to the pool. I figured that my host,  
at least, wasn't blind and helpless. I would have been. I didn't want to  
make him miserable, but I didn't want to make myself miserable, either."  
  
"You're sure evil," Jake sneered. "Evil, but not Visser Three, at least.  
We're here now, Rachel, help me tie her up."   
  
Rachel took the first shift with Tobias. Even now, Esvann wasn't gloating  
or angry, she was just panicked. And desperately explaining herself to  
Rachel.  
  
"So now Cassie's asking why I infested her if I'm such a modest Yeerk and  
all. Okay, so I didn't think much about it, I just went in when I 'saw'  
she was Karen...yeah, I guess I wanted power and all. But not at every  
price...Of course, I know I was wrong, what I did was wrong. I'd just like  
to make it right. I do want to be good, it's not like I like to hurt  
people..."  
  
I smiled inwardly. Esvann must have accessed all the Little Women books  
I've read, along with every one of Enid Blyton's school series. Her talk  
on 'being good' was so transparent that Rachel didn't even bother to  
answer her. But the fear in Esvann's words was real. She was willing to  
'be good' to stay alive.  
  
"...I can just promise that I wouldn't turn you in..."  
  
She sent me a mind-to-mind message. No words. Just a huge jumble of data.  
  
"And now I've told Cassie everything about us Yeerks. All our secrets. If  
I go back to tell about you, I'll just be tortured and killed as a  
traitor. I have to be on your side for my own sake. I can come out of  
Cassie and she can tell you."  
  
"That's good, Yeerk," Rachel replied. "We can spare Cassie these few  
days, and at least you can die painlessly."  
  
"But...but...I didn't mean...look, you let Aftran live. Of course I'm not  
like her, but if, in the future..."  
  
"Out of the question."  
  
"Can't I even help you? There must be a way..."  
  
What would you have in mind, anyway?   
  
"Look, I'm just saying this because Cassie's asking. What I'd like  
best, but anything else would be perfect, is to become a human nothlit."  
  
  
  
The next day was a Saturday. The others were supposed to take turns  
guarding me, but they all ended up crowding into the hut together. We  
talked and talked. Sometimes Esvann was in me, sometimes out of me. We  
morphed and used thought-speech; sometimes we let her hear it, sometimes  
we didn't. Finally, finally we reached a conclusion.  
  
Esvann could be an ally, as long as she was terrified. We'd keep her that  
way. We could even fulfill her dream of becoming a human, but we'd make  
sure her life was in our hands. Then we'd probably let some peace movement  
Yeerk infest her.   
  
She was overjoyed when she heard our decision. We gave her the morphing  
power, and she acquired each of us humans in turn. Then she morphed into a  
male human, who looked most like a grown-up version of Jake, only with  
different facial features.   
  
Is this all right? she...he...well, Esvann asked.  
  
"Yeah, I guess so," Jake said, and we all agreed.  
  
Thank you. Because I didn't mix your DNA evenly. I'd have looked just   
like Ax' human morph, that could've been confusing. He shook his head and  
sighed. And, well, I really wanted to look like this. Very tall, and I  
like Jake's looks the best from all of yours, I just changed his face  
around a bit, with Rachel and Marco's features...I'm sorry, I thought that  
because I'll look like this for the rest of my life...  
  
"It's okay, don't make a fuss about it," Jake calmed the nothlit. "You're  
still different enough from me. And if you actually want to live as a  
human and keep your promise to help us, then you deserve a body you like."  
  
Well, thank you. Thanks for saying that, the Yeerk smiled,  
relieved. And I'm really glad you let me choose my body, I didn't think  
you would do that. And I'm glad you think I deserve it, and I'll try to  
deserve it, too. I mean it.  
  
What could we say? Perhaps he meant it, most likely not. Either way, it  
was in our interest to have him talking that way.   
  
I explained the situation honestly.   
  
"Esvann, we're going to hand you over to the peace movement. They'll give  
you a cover as a human."  
  
As Ernest Swan, he put in instantly. He seemed to love the name.  
  
"You'll probably be infested, but that will be for them to decide."  
  
I...I wouldn't want that, he stammered. Well, at least I hope I get  
a nice one, so I can have some privacy and all.  
  
"Okay. The problem is that we can't contact the Yeerks until maybe  
Monday. Till then, we'll have to stay here and guard you."  
  
What about taking me to the Chee?  
  
"We can't. They can't fight, so they can't protect themselves or anyone  
else. From you."  
  
Makes sense, Esvann admitted. But I have a better idea. The  
Hork-Bajir valley. He saw our shock and he rushed on to explain. Look,  
almost everyone there is stronger than me, so they'll have power over  
me. And they're so peaceful. They can fight me if they have to, but I  
think instead they'll teach me to be peaceful, too.  
  
Then he sighed his familiar sigh that always came before he'd say his   
true reasons for something.   
  
And I've always wanted to see some free Hork-Bajir. I'd like to talk to  
them. I'd like...I think I have something I must do in the valley.  
  
  
  
That Saturday night was a hard one for the Hork-Bajir.  
  
There had been an epidemic of yamphut for about a week. Ax had probably  
brought it in before he'd known he had it. It's not a serious illness for  
Hork-Bajir, but it makes them tired for days.  
  
That night, almost all adults in the valley were either sick or nursing   
sick family members. The rest had gone to attack a Yeerk base, hoping to  
free some of their people. Elder Helf Kundir was keeping vigil beside  
Nette Hofnun, who could have her baby any time now; Elder Fils Gezane was  
staying with a sick family; and Toby Hamee had collected the babies and  
little children to her nest.  
  
It was to this scene that the six of us brought Esvann 945, as a human  
carrying a heavy backpack and sleeping bag. Tobias lowered and called Toby  
down from her tree.  
  
"Coming already! It's nothing bad, is it?"  
  
No, it's all right this time.  
  
"Good, then. I almost started to worry about my parents and the   
others," Toby said calmly. "Coming in a minute." She changed languages to  
whisper, "Rown, I guess Bek's asleep, you watch the little ones for a  
while."   
  
Soon, she was standing on the ground, eyeing Esvann curiously.  
  
He's a Yeerk in human morph, Tobias explained, letting Esvann hear,   
too. We've been starving him out of Cassie, until he got us to make him  
a nothlit. Now he's making this big show about being harmless, but on  
Monday we're turning him over to the peace movement, just to be sure. And  
till then, he wants to stay here in the valley.  
  
"Now, I don't understand a word of this, but never mind," Toby laughed. Then  
she turned her head up to look at Esvann, who was almost as tall as a  
grown-up Hork-Bajir. "I want you to know that we're having a pretty hard time  
already, and we must be able to tr..."  
  
"Tobeee!" a shrill little voice called down from the tree. "What are you  
talking about with the humans again?"  
  
"Sssh!" Toby hissed up. "You'll wake the others. Wait a few minutes, then  
I'll go up and get you." She turned back to the Animorphs and Esvann. "Rown  
Tagut. Her parents are at the Yeerk pool raid."  
  
Tagut? Tobias asked. I think I've met a Fal Tagut here once.  
  
"He's the father," the Hork-Bajir girl nodded. "And the mother is Shon  
Kurazh."  
  
Shon Kurazh, Fal Tagut and Rown Tagut, Esvann repeated solemnly.  
  
"Yes. Now I'll get Rown, looks like she wants to see you. Esvann..."  
  
Yes. I promise, he interrupted as solemnly as before. Will Toby be  
my boss here? he asked in a pleading voice.  
  
"Yes," Rachel was quick to answer.  
  
"No, I won't give you orders if you behave sensibly by yourself," the  
seer said, and climbed back up the tree.  
  
"Sensibly,", Esvann muttered to himself. This is just what I've been  
afraid of.  
  
In a few moments, Toby was back with an even younger girl.  
  
"Hello," the little one greeted us aliens as she'd been taught, then  
pointed at herself. "Rown Tagut." She looked around and smiled  
timidly at each of us, until she came to Esvann. Then, she pointed one  
claw hand, and her face asked the question.  
  
"This is our friend Esvann," Toby explained in the Hork-Bajir language,  
which Ax interpreted for us through his translator chip. "He used to  
be a Yeerk." Rown gave a little shriek of terror and drew closer to Toby. "He  
used to go into people's heads so he could see and move around. Now he's  
become a human, so he can see and move around alone, and he doesn't need to  
go into people's heads anymore." Of course, Rown was too old for such a  
babyish explanation. But this little speech was intended for both Rown and  
Esvann.   
  
"He's human?" Rown breathed.  
  
"No. He's like Tobias. Tobias is human, but he looks like a bird. Esvann  
is a Yeerk, but he looks like a human." Toby saw the confusion on the  
little girl's face. "The one thing you should know is that he's our  
friend," she said, also as an order to Esvann. "You'll see. And he can  
talk like Tobias, so you can see and feel the things he says."  
  
"That's good," Rown said. "Then I can understand him."  
  
And I can understand you, too, Esvann put in. Nine pairs of eyes stared  
at him: eight suspiciously, one curiously. He knew that those eight pairs  
wanted an explanation in private thought-speech. And he had no choice but  
to obey.  
  
Look, I've had a Hork-Bajir host, but, well, everyone else, too... he  
trailed off. He searched the seven teenagers' faces anxiously, until he  
saw we approved of his answer.  
  
"He's already heard Hork-Bajir talking," Toby translated for Rown.  
  
"That's good, too!" the little girl told Esvann enthusiastically. "Then we  
can talk to each other. And we can tell stories."  
  
Marco grinned and shrugged. The rest of us exchanged looks over Rown's  
head and below Esvann's. Rachel's eyes burned hatred at the latter, and  
she gave the former a concerned look. Jake's face was pure worry for  
Rown. Toby, on the other hand, wasn't a bit worried; she was sure she  
could keep Esvann in check.   
  
I saw that the little girl would either lose her trust, or...  
  
We cannot risk a child's life, Ax told us.  
  
I'll keep guard without telling Esvann, Tobias promised. He isn't  
too powerful as he is now. And we should let him start doing what we want  
him to do for the rest of his life.  
  
"Live in peace," Jake whispered, nodding. Slowly, the rest of us nodded,  
too.  
  
"Esvann, you can stay in one of the caves," Toby said in English. And to  
Rown: "Esvann will stay here tonight, tomorrow, and the next night. I'm glad  
if you want to talk to each other."  
  
"I'm curious about him," Rown explained. "Can I stay with him till my  
parents come back?"  
  
Us other kids looked at each other with what-can-we-do smiles. *We've  
agreed on this just now, haven't we?*  
  
I'd be glad if you came, Esvann said respectfully. You could help me  
unpack, and teach me some of your stories. I have a lot to learn, you know.  
  
"Go, Rown, and be careful," Toby allowed. "Now I must go back up and keep  
an eye on Bek and the others. Esvann?"  
  
Yes. I'll try my best, he told Toby and the Animorphs privately. Is  
Rown allowed to hear this?   
  
Don't say you'll only 'try', Tobias advised. That'll just scare  
her.  
  
Can I go ahead?  
  
Sure, you can talk to her all night. Just use common sense.  
  
Rown, I promise I will be nice to you. It wasn't a hard promise for  
Esvann to make, because he thought he had a choice. Unlike the Animorphs  
and Toby, Rown didn't force him to do what's right. She was an equal.  
  
"Good, then," Toby said briskly. "And none of you worry, everything's  
all right. Our parents will soon be back." She said good-bye and climbed   
back to the four children -- Bek, the dead Hahn's daughter, the son of the  
couple who'd taken her in, and the baby Tlina Tohter -- leaving Rown under  
Tobias' watchful eye.   
  
Jake, Rachel, Marco, Ax and I went home as well, giving final, silent  
orders to Esvann.  
  
*Take good care of Rown! She trusts you.*  
  
*Rown Tagut. That's her name. Never take it from her!*  
  
*And be decent to all the Hork-Bajir. Respect them.*  
  
*Listen to Toby.*  
  
*And Jara and Ket. And the elders. And to any other good advice you   
hear.*  
  
*Learn all the good you can from them. And use it!*  
  
*But you don't have to get all depressed from trying to obey everyone.*  
  
*But at least try to be nice, anyway!*  
  
*And, by all that's important to you, DON'T CAUSE SADNESS!*  
  
Esvann didn't hear, of course. But, silently, he promised to obey.   
  
And Tobias made himself comfortable in one of the trees, watching and   
listening.  
  
  
  
Esvann followed Rown into an empty cave, unrolled his matress and lay down.  
  
"Are you sick?" the little girl asked worriedly.  
  
I, sick? No, of course not. Why do you think?  
  
"Because you're just lying there."  
  
That's what humans do to rest. It's all right.  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
I'm sure. Don't you worry about me, I'm fine. You should rather tell me a  
story.  
  
"Why?"  
  
'Cause I'm gonna stay here for two nights and a day, and I don't want to  
mess anything up. So I want to learn how not to mess things up, and that's  
why I'd like to hear some stories about it.  
  
Rown Tagut understood this for a short moment, just long enough to decide:  
she didn't want to understand it. The next moment, all she thought about was  
that Esvann wanted a story.  
  
"Which story do you want to hear?"  
  
The most important one. About where I should be careful, here and now.  
  
"The most important thing, here and now, is Nette Hofnun and her baby. Elder  
Helf Kundir said that if Nette has the baby now, she won't have it at all,  
but if she doesn't have it now, she'll have it later. I don't understand, but  
I hope it'll be all right."  
  
So do I, said Esvann with a worry as genuine as Rown's. He understood  
what the elder had meant: they were trying to avoid a premature birth.   
So Nette has to lie down, and the others have to take care of her?  
  
"Yes, I think so. But how do you know?"  
  
I've heard it from the humans. And that's all I have to know?  
  
"Well, I can tell you the story of Delf Hajool. She's the mother-mother of  
Nette's mother. And everyone in the story always had babies where they had to  
worry, just like with Nette. But then it was all right, because Nette's here  
now, and it'll be all right," Rown encouraged herself.  
  
Delf Hajool had been the wife of Dak Hamee's friend Jagil Hullan, and she'd  
been the Hork-Bajir who Aldrea had acquired for her morph. Esvann, somehow,  
knew of this. But he didn't know Delf's story beyond that.  
  
Rown Tagut didn't really know, either; it wasn't a story for a little girl.  
Still, she told Esvann what she'd heard and what she'd imagined, and the old  
Yeerk could fill the gaps all too easily. As he was listening to the  
girl's babble, he slowly figured out the story. But he didn't tell her.  
  
'Jagil Hullan died from the Quantum virus. Delf, like Aldrea and Dak,  
had natural immunity. Later, she was killed by the war as well: she was  
giving birth, and there was no one to help her. But her daughter survived.  
  
'Lati Hullan was infested and raised by Misewa 961, a very kind and brave  
woman. She stayed with Lati until the very end, after they had seen Lati's  
and Zanf Tapfer's daughter, Zis Tapfer, grow up. They were both sure she'd  
be in good hands with Bethla 523.  
  
'Zis was already middle-aged when Jara and Ket brought her to the valley.  
She had always wanted a child, and now she and Bruv Hofnun could have one in  
freedom. And although Zis was a little old to have a baby, she was luckier  
than her grandmother had been: she lived in a time of peace. She and her  
child could get all the help they needed, and they were both just fine.  
  
'The baby, named Nette Hofnun, came almost on time; very soon she was as  
big as any other baby of her age. She grew together with Toby Hamee, and   
they were as good friends as their great-grandfathers had been. Nette   
loved the younger children, and Rown Tagut could recall the happy times   
with her. It was Nette who had told her the story of Delf, Lati and Zis,   
along with many other stories. But they had also talked about the  
future. They'd looked forward to when Nette would have her own children,  
and Rown would sometimes help take care of them.'  
  
This made Esvann, for the first time, pay true attention. After all, Delf  
and Lati and their husbands were dead now; Zis and Bruv seemed to be happily  
settled. But Nette -- she meant responsibility.  
  
'Nette fell in love with Frice Leben not very long ago. They had to hurry  
with getting together and having a child, but not because they were too old.  
Nette was even younger than Toby. Still, she wanted a baby like Frice, and  
she didn't know how long she'd have the chance for it yet. How long, till...  
  
'And then it did happen. Visser Three killed Frice Leben.'  
  
"I wasn't there," Rown Tagut told Esvann 945. "But those who were there, in  
the Outside, they saw it. It was a Yeerk who's an Andalite, and that's  
Visser Three."  
  
Did Frice know about the baby? Esvann asked anxiously.  
  
"Yes, he did. I'm quite sure about that. Nette told me and the kids and  
everyone else, back when Frice was still there."  
  
And what now? Esvann asked softly, like the little Hork-Bajir girl had  
asked on that dreadful night.  
  
"Nette has the baby. She has the baby. And it must get born. So we must  
hope it won't get born for a long, long time." Rown looked at him, her  
eyes begging for an explanation.  
  
It'll be all right, he answered firmly. We have good technology, the  
humans have, and I...well, the baby will be born, not now, but when it's  
ready. Because it must be that way. Must.  
  
"Must," she echoed. "Now you tell me a story."  
  
I don't know all that many stories. Just the one about Alloran, that I  
know.  
  
"Alloran," the girl breathed. "I know him. He came. On the old world, he  
came. The Hork-Bajir were there, and he came." She was chanting like a  
broken record, not daring to continue. As if she had said "Visser Three  
came," and no further explanation were necessary.   
  
Esvann took a deep breath. Look...Alloran, he wasn't like that. Not at  
first, anyway. It's a long story.  
  
"Who told it to you?"  
  
The other Yeerks in the pool. It's just word-of-palp, I don't know how  
much of it is true. You see, Alloran's the only Andalite-Controller and all,  
plus he fought us a lot, so we tell stories about him.  
  
"Makes sense. Like we always tell stories about Visser Three."  
  
Well, it's not quite the same, Alloran's different, but sure, he was the  
enemy, too, just not to you, but to us, or whatever, Esvann stammered.  
Look, I'm not really good at telling stories. I'd rather give you  
something else.  
  
He sat up and rummaged around in his backpack, till he came up with a ragged  
pair of light blue jeans. Of course, they didn't give me any scissors,  
'cause that's a weapon, he muttered. Which is fine, but I don't have any  
bread-cutting knife, either. Could you stick out your arm, please? And hold  
this thing in your other hand?  
  
Rown obeyed, unsuspecting. Esvann held the other end of the jeans, and  
carefully guided her wrist blade to cut off both legs from the knee  
down. Then he used her blades again and again, tied bits of rags together  
and drew some shapes on them with dirt.   
  
"What's this thing you're making?"  
  
It's a doll, well, it's supposed to be, it just doesn't look like one.  
  
"I have a doll, too. She's from hard bark, not good to eat. She's called  
Kish Tagut. She's not like this."  
  
This is a human doll, I guess. It looks like a human in a long  
dress. And it has no mouth.  
  
"It's strange. That's good, I like strange things."  
  
It's yours now. Do you want me to put it on your arm? Easier to carry,  
I mean.  
  
"Thanks, that would be good."   
  
Just let me cut again... Esvann murmured, using a narrow strip of  
jeans to loosely tie the doll between two of the blades on Rown's left  
arm.  
  
"Thanks. Now it can't fall off, but it's not too tight. It was a good  
idea."  
  
You're welcome, the Yeerk said, surprised at the praise.  
  
"And what's her name? The doll's?"  
  
Sofi, Esvann answered without hesitation.  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
'Cause she looks a little like a Sofi I've heard about. Of course, she  
wasn't exactly called Sofi, but that's a nice human name.  
  
"Could you tell me the story of this Sofi?"  
  
Well, you see, I've never really known her. She lives only in my  
memories.  
  
"You mean she's dead, the poor one?" Rown asked softly.  
  
I hope not.  
  
"Tell me her story, anyway, please."  
  
That's a long story. And it's got Alloran in it, too. From before the  
beginning. Esvann sighed. But I guess you'd have had to learn about   
him, sooner or later.  
  
"Just don't make it too scary."  
  
I won't.  
  
Rown Tagut already knew of Alloran, of all the things he'd done, from  
when he'd first seen the Yeerks attack. But she didn't know what had  
happened before.  
  
Esvann knew. He told Rown some of what he knew, choosing the feelings and  
pictures carefully. But Rown could take care of herself, too. She had a gift  
that Mother Sky and Father Deep give all children: if she heard something  
disturbing, she could decide not to understand it.   
  
As Rown started listening to the story, she was prepared not to let it  
into her mind. But it didn't turn out so bad, after all. It was actually   
good. Kind of like the time when Aldrea was little. But better. There were  
no Yeerks around yet. Rown liked to hear about that time, to feel as if  
she were there.   
  
She let the pictures fill her mind. The feelings, not so unfamiliar. She  
tried to remember what she could, to tell the others later. Mostly the  
people, the people were the most important to her. What they were like,  
what they had done.   
  
*There were three of them kids, with Arbat-Ellivat-Estoni and   
Krasnaya-Semitur-Ploshady. The brothers were nearly the same age, Krasnaya  
was younger, but she always took care of them anyway. And then there was  
Feyorn. And Jahar. And Aldrea was there, too, a very little girl. She  
looked lovely. And she looked like a great idea. And Alloran's own  
daughter...*  
  
Esvann showed Rown a picture of what must have been a baby Andalite. Rown   
thought it looked exactly like Tlina Tohter, only, of course, it was Andalite   
instead of Hork-Bajir.  
  
It's just the way I imagine her, Esvann said quickly. Naturally, I'd  
have no way of -- Suddenly, he fell silent.  
  
"What's happened?" Rown asked. She already knew it was something horrible.  
  
Ssh. Tobias is talking to me.   
  
Esvann hadn't even known he was there. But it was for the best. Esvann  
knew very well that he couldn't be left without supervision. A minute  
later, Tobias flew down to the cave's opening and gave Rown the news.  
  
Hi. It's that a new free Hork-Bajir has come here, and she's called Ans  
Gute. She'll take care of you and the other kids tonight. Toby and Esvann  
and I will go and help the others who are away.  
  
Again, the girl decided not to understand. She clutched the doll called  
Sofi. Rown's own doll, Kish, wasn't there, but Sofi was good to clutch,  
too.  
  
"They need help?" Rown asked softly.  
  
No, not really. They're just tired, and it's better if we show them the  
way back, Tobias answered.  
  
Rown, too, wanted to believe this. "And they'll be all right, and come home  
soon?"  
  
Yes, they will, Esvann said, without asking Tobias' permission. For  
once, he knew he was doing the right thing.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
Of course I'm sure. How could he tell the truth to Rown Tagut? To  
Rown *Tagut*?  
  
Don't worry, Tobias told him privately, we won't make you kill other  
Yeerks or anything. They're probably still free, so all we have to do is  
bring them out.  
  
At the same time, Rown asked, "But why do they need Toby? They could  
always come home alone, almost always."  
  
Ans Gute is here, she'll tell you, was Esvann's only reply, as he ran  
out of the cave after Tobias.  
  
  
  
*  
  
  
  
My name is Alloran-Semitur-Corrass.  
  
I guess you already know about me. Not the whole truth, of course. You can't  
know the whole truth about most Andalites, the Electorate takes care of that.  
But still, you probably know the essentials. Age, species, gender, that  
sort of thing.  
  
All of them have changed now. It only happened in a few Earth days, and even  
I can't believe it yet. But I'd best start at the beginning -- who knows how  
they'll tame this story yet...  
  
  
  
It was a Friday night by the human date, and the end of Esplin's feeding  
cycle, so I slept through the whole thing. Later, I would learn what  
happened.  
  
Aftran's former host, a young human female, came down to the pool  
complex, and, almost immediately, was thrown into the pool. At that  
moment, the guards picked up an ultrasonic message coming from her  
direction. (Hork-Bajir have excellent hearing, and their bodies felt the  
vibrations as well.) It was some low rank-and-file Yeerk, claiming he was  
Visser Three, and giving the order to hold the girl for infestation. Of  
course, that isn't Esplin's style at all. If he wants information, he gets  
it through torture, and if he wants a body, he has me acquire it.  
  
Nevertheless, the Yeerks were too scared to disobey. But they had barely  
had time to infest the human, when it turned out she was backed by  
Andalite guerrillas. They attacked only to rescue her, and none of the  
Controllers really bothered to fight back. No wonder, either. The Yeerks  
and their hosts alike were glad to see Esplin dragged away for  
starvation. And the happiest of them all was Sub-Visser Fifty-one,  
Esplin's crazy second-in-command. Her name is Ferruk 919, but everyone  
calls her Taylor, after her host.  
  
She hobbled over to my chamber on her artificial leg, found the nearest  
Hork-Bajir and started a lengthy explanation: he sees now, but she's  
second-in-command and all, and with Visser Three gone, she takes over  
command, that including the host and all, and there's really no time to  
make it certain, I've been put down hours ago, and how long can an  
Andalite last like this, she doesn't know, and she doesn't want to take a  
chance, seeing they have only one, not a very healthy one either, so she  
doesn't know how long it's safe for me yet, what with all the years and  
all, and all the wars and all, and he should just see how humans can  
get post-war stress and all, and with an Andalite it's even worse, so I  
should be woken as soon as possible, because if something happens who's  
the Council gonna blame, losing the only Andalite and all.   
  
It sounded very logical and convincing. But Yeerks will believe  
anything, if the alternative is Kandrona starvation. And so when I came  
to, there Ferruk was, inside my mind, out of her own. The Hork-Bajir had  
pressed his ear to Taylor's, and now he was being taken for   
reinfestation.  
  
Well, well, so we're all together now, Ferruk smiled with my eyes as I  
was waking. She stood me up and made me acquire her former host. Now  
let's see what we've got here, I'll have to draw up an inventory, one  
Andalite taken over in a pretty rotten condition, and all that. Okay,  
there are supposed to be four eyes, now where are they? Two, I see. And  
the third one...don't you ever get a headache from all these eyes?...but  
where on the Yeerk homeworld is the fourth?  
  
She closed my main eyes and my left stalk, and looked at the pink and  
yellow that was Taylor's face. So, there it is. Just my luck. We capture  
one Andalite in a lifetime, and then it must be   
one-quarter-nearsighted. And Esplin never tried contacts or anything?  
  
That eye had been out of use for as long as I could remember. The other  
three had been much less bad, they could be corrected, so those were the  
ones I used. And when I had been old enough, those were the only ones  
operated.   
  
My, you're sure an advanced species. Risk-free laser operations and  
all.  
  
Not all that risk-free, but I had been lucky.  
  
And they let you fly ships and all with three eyes? Then again, why  
not, some people do it with just two. It's just too bad you don't have a  
third stalk eye, then I could braid --  
  
At that moment, a human-Controller burst into the room. He looked like he  
wanted to say something, but he stopped short when he looked at us.  
  
"Um...Visser Three?" he asked uncertainly.  
  
Yes, it is me, Ferruk answered in my voice. Sub-Visser Fifty-one has  
brought me to my host, seeing that there were already more than enough  
free Andalites around the pool.  
  
"Yes...yes. I see now. It's that I've followed Karen and the Andalites  
upstairs, while some Hork-Bajir were still battling with them. I've heard  
Karen introduce herself as Esvann 945. She was begging the Andalites for  
her life and promising to cooperate with them. They drove me away at that   
point, so I don't know what else has happened."  
  
I can tell you that, Ferruk said, speaking slowly, but searching our  
minds frantically for memories of Esplin. He was captured, and he will  
die a slow death of Kandrona starvation, as it is fitting for a  
traitor. But, as you see, I am alive and well.  
  
"G...glad of that, Visser."  
  
Now, go away. I want to talk to the sub-visser between four eyes, I  
mean, six eyes.  
  
"Yes, Visser!"  
  
Good. I hope Esplin stays in the pool, but even if he gets a host, no  
one will believe him -- any Andalite-Controller is automatically seen as  
Visser Three, my new captor told the Yeerk in Taylor's head. Now,  
what's your name? Never you mind. You'll be Ferruk 919 from now on. And  
I'll starve you if you tell a soul, or if you lose control and let Taylor  
tell. In which latter case, I'll feed her to the Taxxons. She nodded my  
head contentedly, all threats being taken care of. But to be safe, we'll   
still have to put her down while you're feeding -- these humans can be  
SUCH idealists...  
  
Of course. I, too, slept through my few hours of freedom. But in the  
remaining time...  
  
Drats, Ferruk muttered to me. And now I'll have to keep your   
nonexistent mouth shut as well.  
  
  
  
Taylor had hardly pulled her artificial leg out of the room, when the  
changes on me began, and soon I had Ferruk's voluntary's body.  
  
"Oh, dear..." Ferruk moaned with my human mouth. Totally unnecessary when  
we had a mind-to-mind connection, but Ferruk isn't a stereotypical,  
efficient Yeerk. "Oh, dear -- it's all back! All back! Finally! And this  
is how I'll stay, always now, always, I can never lose it again..."  
  
For me, a little over two hours would have been just enough.  
  
"Oh, no, we've got to be careful with that. So careful! Always just two  
hours at a time, and nowhere where they know me...and then I have to play  
visser, too! How will I manage? But somehow I will, and surely there'll be  
a couple free hours...surely, tomorrow? And then we can go to the library   
and the mall and everywhere..."  
  
Now she had me picking through a pile of fabric that stood in a corner,  
just under a large Desbadeen tool for torture.  
  
"Must have something left here, I mean, weren't you a woman once, that  
Aria woman? Ah, here's what she wore. Dear me, these aren't right for a  
girl at all! They'll make me look about forty, and I really mustn't wear  
them..." she muttered as she slipped a blue, Council-robe-like thing over  
my body. "But I hope no one will care...I mean, you're certainly not a  
fashion expert, Loranka, are you? Okay, I know Loren was someone  
else...Alloushka, then. And, yes, I'm doing what you expect! Exactly  
that! I mean, I've suffered so much, then so should you. So you can  
understand me...I so want you to understand me...Rannar always  
understood, she'd always listen..."  
  
I had no idea who Rannar was, and the description "that Gedd with a wart  
on its right foot" didn't exactly help. But Ferruk made sure I'd learn  
everything about her first host.  
  
The strangest thing about Gedds is their reproduction. Instead of being  
gender differentiated, they're more like plants, with their "flowers" on  
their palms. Gedds touching hands make sure for the genetic variety, and  
their walking on their hands gets the seeds planted. The young Gedds grow  
upside down in the earth, absorbing water and nutrients through their  
skin. Later, they gradually lose this ability, until it's reduced to the  
soles of their feet. Just for the next time you see a Gedd hanging its  
feet into the Yeerk pool...  
  
Of course, Gedds have no idea about any of this. They only see the babies  
climbing out from underground, and take them into their care. All Gedd  
children are adopted children.  
  
And it was the memories of this childhood that Ferruk found so  
fascinating. She savored every detail about Rannar's days on the Yeerk  
world, wandering with its parents and siblings, then finding three   
children of its own (not that it could count them), and finding a  
spouse who'd already found two children, and finding another one  
together... Even after all Gedds were infested by the Yeerks, Rannar took  
care of its family. It negotiated with the Yeerks in its children's heads   
-- using just a few fourteens of words, but countless hand signals -- it  
made requests, it organized host switches, it trusted the parasites to  
be reasonable, and it managed to flee those who weren't (which was a lot  
of Yeerks to flee).  
  
The way I'm telling it, Rannar looks like some miniature Ellimist. I know  
that Rannar's story is just as unbelievable, but unlike Ellimist stories,  
this is also true.   
  
All Gedds know and care for a lot of people; it's always been part of  
their culture, even their instincts. They're barely sentient, but they  
have enormous memories and a special gift for communication. Not like that  
means they even have a proper language. What it means is that they  
understand each other and aliens, and they can make themselves understood,  
because they find this important. They need communication like Yeerks need  
Kandrona rays.   
  
They say the best way to torture a Gedd is to pretend you need help, but  
not tell how you can be helped. It's supposed to make them confused and  
desperate. But, actually, every time it's been tried, the Gedd came behind  
the lie in seven seconds. What they don't have in intelligence, they make  
up in empathy.   
  
That's why now, as a host species, they're making such a large effort to  
know every single person in the galaxy. They know they're being used as a  
search catalogue by the whole Empire, Yeerks and hosts. The Gedds, even as  
Controllers, are the hope of every far-flung friend, every detached family  
member. And they want to live up to the expectation.   
  
I don't think the Gedds know anything about my daughters, or Jahar, or  
Krasnaya or her family. They must live in the secrecy of the home  
world. But I do believe that some Yeerk, in some corner of the galaxy,  
knows more about Arbat than I do. And I believe that what he knows has  
long since been muttered and mimed to the Gedds on Earth. But Esplin  
always passes them too fast.  
  
"And then there was Fils..." Ferruk said when she decided she'd told me  
enough about Rannar. "Fils Gezane, don't you remember him? My second host,  
but you, too, should know him..."  
  
I didn't remember him right away, only when Ferruk showed some of his  
memories about myself. Fils Gezane, of course, a young, male Hork-Bajir.  
Already in the war, he'd been fearful and gentle, and that hadn't changed.  
Under Ferruk and his previous captors, he often managed to take control to  
help others -- sometimes risking his own life at that --, and he even  
tried to eliminate as many Yeerks as he could in his situation. But the  
conversations in his head were strange. He never tried to humiliate the  
Yeerks as they were humiliating him. As if that war had been enough for  
him for a lifetime, and now he wanted to inflict as little pain as  
possible.  
  
I could understand that. What I couldn't understand was the memory of his  
last free night.  
  
He spent it with a slightly older girl called Delf Hajool, I've heard the  
name but I couldn't say where, who was giving birth and needed  
help. Hork-Bajir had always had midwives, medicine women, that wasn't the  
problem. But there was no way Fils Gezane could step out of the tree to  
get someone. He would have been killed, and it doesn't matter if by a  
Dracon beam or by a Quantum virus. Either way, Delf would lose even what  
little help Fils could give.  
  
When the Yeerks found them, there were already three of them. Fils and the  
baby were infested, Delf wouldn't live long enough to be bothered  
with. She made what was probably a Hork-Bajir version of a hirac  
delest: she took her Controller baby into her arms and told it all she  
wanted it to know. What her dead husband was like, how much they had  
expected the baby, how much she loved it, what she wished for its future.  
  
It didn't make much sense, of course, as the baby was much too young to  
understand any of it. But the baby's Yeerk listened carefully, and  
promised to tell it Delf's message later, when it had lived some more  
seasons.   
  
I don't know if the Yeerk ever kept its promise or not. Yeerks are usually  
so busy conquering the galaxy that they can only spend "quality time" with  
their hosts. But the fact is that the Yeerk made that promise.   
  
I know, right now you're thinking I'm Draconshocked. To put it mildly.  
And if I heard this story from someone else, I'd think he was insane,  
too.   
  
But I saw all this with my mind's four eyes. Or through Fils's eyes, at  
least.  
  
"...and after him, I got Taylor," Ferruk finished the story. "And now  
there's you, but I hope I can still get on with my own life. Just not now,  
the two hours are almost up..." There. And I guess now we should just go  
to sleep, I want to start early tomorrow.  
  
With that, she started to twirl my head left and right. Then she crossed  
my forelegs a few times before turning my body around. She continued that,  
until she spotted a clear place among the torture equipment, where I could   
stand comfortably. That's where she stood me for the night.  
  
And remember, tomorrow will be a good day, she told me. I don't  
exactly know how yet, but it will be real good.  
  
I had my own hopes, too, and I had some good reasons for them. I had seen  
the Yeerks make deals with the Gedd Rannar, and I had seen a Yeerk making  
a promise to Delf Hajool. But, best of all, I had seen Ferruk turning my  
head, as if that were the only way to look around. That may not have been  
very romantic, but it showed that I was still on home territory.  



End file.
